It’s not a fever dream. This really happened. In 1979.
Even Mike Douglas, who has heard it all from everyone from John Davidson to Tony Orlando, just has to ask Cher how this Cinderella-in-reverse situation presented itself.
Cher, being her usual awesome, honest self (and disco-era beautiful), patiently explains that she used to crave Jack in the Box when she was pregnant with Chas. She would go there regularly and get two tacos, a chocolate shake and onion rings. And during that hypoglycemic rush, she fancied herself working there, as we all do.
Thanks to Mike Douglas’s seemingly endless compassion and empathy, Cher’s wish was granted. Better late than never. Add to this our benefit: a hidden camera is in place, so that America could witness the dream personally and not just hear about it second-hand or wonder if it was cruel hearsay.
Tragically, this is a very short clip of what was a much longer experience. Apparently, in a segment lost to the ages, a member of KISS (in good standing) is figuring into the situation. Our guess: the band members most likely patronize fast-food joints in full costume. As well, government sanitary restricitions are waived for KISS, as they are enthusiastically allowed behind the counter and can liberally use their tongue around customers’ food.
Ours eyes do not deceive us: We see see Cher working the counter, and trying to make sense of the pre-digital-age cash register. Her code name: Sandy.
A+ for effort, Sandy! You go.
Mike, sensitive to the Jack in the Box people and its loyal customers, requests a brief training session so that Sandy does not “short change the people.” Astoundingly, this did not become a James Taylor song.
First challenge: a Jumbo Jack with cheese ($1.25). And a medium-sized Tab. It’s on its way to the smiling businessman who has not a clue that the woman waiting on him is the same cashier who, that year, sang the disco superhit “Take Me Home.”
The ultimate total (besides damage to the arteries): $3.07. Cher, rightfully so, claims, “Boy, that seems expensive.”
Respectfully, she clears the register and starts again, giving the customer a fair shake.
This time, she rings up $4.82!
Here, we clearly see the eerie beginnings of how machines will eventually overtake us and rule us by 1987.
The businessman, half-jokingly, claims that Cher is trying to break him.
Next, Cher proves why she would eventually win an Academy Award. Customer #2 slowly wags his finger at her and claims, semi-confidently, “I know who you are.”
Cher pulls at her name tag. “Sandy?”
Nope. He takes a wild guess: “Farrah Fawcett.”
Mike Douglas, playing the manager, attempts to help Cher figure out how to operate the register, but he’s more clueless than she is.
This clip only proves what we’ve all been suspecting all along: all celebrities must partake in a fast-food training program, including front-end operations (mandatory) and grill. Just don’t let Bill Cosby operate the beverage machine — women all over the patio will be face down in their Buttery Jacks.
In addition, all talk show hosts must enroll in a management training program, so that they don’t make the same confounding mistakes as Mike Douglas. Charlie Rose, your Chipotle station awaits.
The beef goes on.
